By Nancy Dellamaria IBCLC
Recently, I have been longing to have my own grandchildren to love and hold . My two daughters, at 22 and 18 are not ready for children, and that’s fine. All in due time. It’s the many step-grandchildren that seem just out of reach, that I long to love.
I would love to have grandchildren in which to share their lives and love with their parents. Although I am only 50 years old, I have had many close calls with death due to severe accidents, and illnesses . I believe that anyone in my situation might question if they will live to see their decedents. I long to share stories, hugs, laughter, and love .I feel I have so much love to share with little ones, and I’m sure I will some day. We’ve just experienced a string of frustrating events that have left me feeling sad and cheated out of the love of grandchildren.
I love children so much ! I always have. My cousins and I would argue over who got to hold the new baby cousins when we were young girls. We were post partum doulas to our aunties before we knew what that was. This is part of the reason why I became a childbirth doula, childbirth educator, La Leche League Leader, and eventually, an IBCLC Lactation Consultant. I believe strongly that when parents feel supported before the birth of their child, and are able to birth in a conscious way, initiate breastfeeding, and help the mother through her post-partum period in a way that no matter what happens, she knows she has help, then she is able to be the kind of mother that her baby & children need. Ideally, having help from the grandparents and other family members can make this a smooth transition. I believe that children who are nourished physically and emotionally relates directly on how the families climate is at the time of birth. If the parents are well adjusted, the chance of ACEs (Adverse Childhood Events) is greatly reduced.
I would have had more of my own children if I could have. After struggling with infertility, I was blessed to have two girls, Sage and Chloe, 4 years apart. But getting sick in my early 40’s lead Sage to go live with my parents at age 15. Despite the fact that she has sworn that she would never have her own children. Chloe wants children badly, but knows better that at 16, 17, 18, it has not been the right time so far. What if she is my only chance to have grandchildren ?
I am incredibly grateful to have healed relationships with both my daughters despite things that parents and children go through. The most surprising thing about Mothering is how quickly my children grew up, how much they still need me at every age, but how much their independence leaves me needing to find a different job than “Mom” at different ages.
I have been married to two men with children from their previous marriages. Due to unfortunate circumstances, we would always get just close enough to these babies and children to fall in love with them, and then have them taken from our lives, due to relocation, divorce, addiction, loss of custody, mental health issues, growing up, and other reasons.
Every holiday, I prepare little gifts, and cards for many of these children, never knowing if we are going to see them, and most of the time, it ends up in disappointment, often due to the ignorance, insensitivity of their parents, and a generation or two who simply lacks family values. The Christmas gifts get returned, Easter and Halloween treats go back in the pile. My girls have asked me why I bother. The answer is that I just want them to feel loved. I believe that children can never have too many people who love them. It saddens me greatly, as I come from a huge New England family and grew up knowing all of my first cousins, several of my second cousins, aunts, uncles, several sets of grandparents and great grandparents. It’s been the same for each following generation. Growing up, my cousins and I always had babies to hold, toddlers to play with, new mothers to help ( usually Aunties,) which taught us how to take care of one another going through life. There were never family members that we “didn’t speak to .” That was simply unheard of.
3000 miles away, my nieces, cousins, and friends are all having children, grandbabies, and embrace the core family values that we grew up with. We keep in touch, share photos, and send cards. But I am not there but once or twice a year, so these little ones do not know us the way they would if we lived closer. Fortunately, they have parents who teach them who family is through photos. I love this !
What has happened in our society that people have become so estranged from their families of origin? Why do young couples think they need to “move away” and be “independent ?” Don’t they know that middle aged and elderly humans need to be needed and loved just a much as new parents need help, and babies need to be held ?
I was recently blown away by a social media meme stating that in much of Asia, grandmothers and “aunties” will start to relactate once new babies start coming into the family to help feed the baby, and give the mother an occasional break. I decided to fact-check it before circulating it with my international lactation consultant community. I was reminded that we do not need a uterus or ovaries to lactate, but only a functioning pituitary gland, therefore women who are post-menopausal and/or have had hysterectomies can lactate. My post was commented on by an IBCLC in Vietnam who couldn’t believe that we weren’t aware of this practice in the US.
It made me think about how not only do have such hangups about breasts and breastfeeding in the US, but new families would rather go on public assistance than live with their own parents, lest they be viewed a “failure.” I can’t imagine that the possibility of a grandmother or older auntie relactating to help feed an infant would be be likely to cross our collective consciousness. How very sad.
It is true that in the US, we have many levels of family dysfunction in all levels of all ages. However, not everyone falls into these categories. Many people are highly functioning, or have helped themselves heal if they were not originally well. But the truth is, no parent, no matter the generation, is perfect. Perhaps, if mixed generations were willing to engage in Family Therapy, options like multi-generational living could be more viable in the US. With rising cost of living, and property/rental rates, we could add to the overall sustainability of modern living by cohabitation amongst generations. This is commonplace around the world, and something we could really benefit from in the US. Healing the family unit, could ultimately heal the planet.
Prayers for Healing, and Love Beams sent into the Universe for the following Grandchildren, You will always be in my heart :
Julia, Trenton, Lincoln, Draer,
Alexis, Trinity, Hunter, Dakota, Maddox, Tesslyn, Kyler, Ashtyn,
Ryder, Jaxxon
Sister to Sister Birth 