In the eyes of mainstream society, being a single mom is a disadvantage. While this is not totally untrue, I have discovered distinct advantages to living life and parenting without a partner.
It seems important to note that my experiences of ‘partnership’ were not supportive, to put it lightly. The thing is, most single moms will say the same—there is a reason we are single.
When I had a man, housework never ended but the house was never clean. While pregnant, breastfeeding and pregnant again, I innovated ways to make a living from home, yet the money was always gone before I could pay bills.
I wanted family, home and financial stability. He wanted sex, drugs and drama.
I endured insults and disrespect often as I continued to give my all to creating a life for us as a family.
Ultimately, his behavior became violent and abusive beyond what I could conscientiously allow my children to be raised with.
In this context it is not surprising that I find life without all that to be more pleasant.
I suggest that the truly disadvantaged are women, mothers and children who are still embroiled in unsupportive or abusive partnerships.
In the most abusive relationships, women’s basic human rights are violated frequently. We are kept from our careers, our dreams, our friends. We are denied access to our own money. We are belittled, insulted and lied to. We are threatened, restrained, beaten.
Essentially, being single is my solution to all these problems. My safety and my children’s safety are far more secure. My self esteem and ability to parent with confidence is much more robust. My money is my own to budget and spend. My support network of friends and family is accessible and my dreams for improving my life further are within reach.
Single motherhood may seem like a disadvantage as compared to the ‘ideal’ family structure as we’ve been conditioned to perceive it. But the reality for many families behind their ideal image can be quite devastating. Trying to keep that image up, and, at a deeper level, trying to keep the dream of a loving family alive, is part of what locks many women and mothers into damaging relationships. Overall, the transformational improvements to my life and my children’s lives since leaving behind the toxicity of false partnership far outnumber and outweigh any lived sense of disadvantage.
I still want family, home and financial stability. These are the states of being that I strive to maintain, that drive my choices in the present. In the quest for these I’ve learned that family does not require a homogenous structure within society for there to exist intense familial love. We are no less a family without a father figure. I will not seek a stand-in for that role for myself or my kids, thinking we are incomplete without ‘him’.
The truth is, I love my life more now than I ever have. I finally have found myself, risen out of the ashes of many lives within one, found myself by choosing mastery rather than continuing to insist that I need a counterpart. What if I am already whole?
It is said that a single parent must fill both roles of mother and father. Yes, I must be stern at times and nurturing at others. I must care for the children and pay the bills. I must do fun things for the kids and run errands. Every diaper is mine to change. Every snack time, bath time and bed time is mine to attend to. Every morning I am the only one who is going to wake up and take care of them. It begins to feel like wholeness to embody all this and much more daily.
All in all, seeing single mothers as disadvantaged by default due to our circumstances isn’t necessarily how it really is. Many single moms take the opportunity to become stronger, smarter, more empowered and educated. Our tenacity and depth of motivation makes us capable of doing things we didn’t know we could. We expand to fill the space left by the last wrong partner and become more of ourselves.
So, next time you encounter a single mom, think twice before you view her with pity. Instead, recognize her power and love, her perseverance.
Sister to Sister Birth 